It’s been roughly 4 weeks since I tossed out my “appeaser” identity that I’d held onto as a survival tactic from the time in my life when our ex-stepdad perpetuated a toxic home environment. Initially, I had a nasty identity crisis, though that didn’t last long after I quickly realized that the only major difference now is how much more honest I’m willing to be about everything.

I’ve done a lot of healing this year alone, in the course of 4 tumultuous months, and as painful as it’s been, this process has absolutely paid off. For the first time in a long time, I finally feel like a confident young adult in his mid 20’s, instead of the teenager who refused to speak his truth out of fear of “rocking the boat”.

Oh, it’s so refreshing.

“When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought me joy.”

Psalm 94:19

I realized tonight that I’m no longer having wistful dreams of either my high school or college years. I nearly got choked up at the realization that this means that I’m done wishing that things were different back then, that I hadn’t dealt with either of my two major traumas. I feel like I’ve truly let go of the unfortunate messes that happened back then; they’ve been reduced to little more than passing, amusing thoughts.

A couple of weeks ago, I made the right decision to ask my doctor to prescribe me an anti-depressant, even just for a temporary period. Everything I’ve been dealing with, from a chaotic, even toxic work environment to my anguish over not being where I want to be in life, were too much to deal with. Honestly, in hindsight, I’m pretty sure that I’ve dealt with depression off and on my whole life. Recent events dragged all of this to the surface, and I’m glad I let myself get the help I need.

Mom recently gave me a much needed pep talk about facing my fears of the future. I’ve had to fight off the irrational belief that all of my efforts to get where I truly want to be have been for naught, especially jobwise. To put it plainly, being stuck in a job that I’ve come to hate has been a major factor in my choice to go on anti-depressants, especially after my 50+ applications since last August haven’t been as successful as I hoped they’d be.

She reminded me that realistically, employers take a few months to reach out for the interview process. Oops! This is a bit embarrassing, but up ’til now, I firmly assumed that I would get a response in merely a few days. Fiddlesticks!

Mom also urged me to remember that no mistake I think I’ve made could ever ruin the plan God’s always laid out for me. This talk couldn’t have come at a better time, because this was another irrational thought I’ve had trouble warding off. Namely, that I should’ve been more zealous about job applications sooner, that I’ve denied myself a timely way out of my current job.

I’ve accepted that yes, God knows I want out, and that a simultaneous truth is His timing for that exit is the right moment. All I need to do is be patient, and remember that I’m needed here in the meantime, especially after some of my weary co-workers opened up to me about how much I mean to them.

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,

    neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord.

 For as the heavens are higher than the earth,

    so are my ways higher than your ways

    and my thoughts than your thoughts.”

Isaiah 55:8-9

Compared to how simultaneously aggravated and worn out I was just a week ago, I feel much more at peace. I’m holding onto the simple but soothing truth that the two major things I’ve been longing for, a new job and finally uniting with the soulmate who’s been visiting me in my dreams since January 2018, will enter my life when God knows the moment is right.

The breakthrough I’ve been aching for is coming soon, but only God knows what that “soon” really looks like. In the meantime, I’ll be holding onto the healing I’ve accomplished, and the hope I’ve been given.

Is it wrong
To put all our hopes together
And wish for somethin' better?
Is it wrong?
To be loved
To face the future with another
Who means more than any other
Is to be loved