I’ve been reliving the events of the nasty dorm experience I went through my sophomore year at college, a topic that’s repeatedly resurfaced in my blog writings because of how annoyingly persistent these memories are. It doesn’t help matters that it was exactly this time, 6 years ago, when the situation became especially toxic and draining. Y’know, I really do despise the fact that I can still acutely recall these exact dates. I hate remembering this crap.
I’ve talked about this a lot, but the part that I have to focus on for the sake of healing this round is the residual paranoia and anxiety it left me. The ringleader of the girls who acted maliciously towards me on my old dorm floor was unnaturally fixated on me, to the point that she obsessed over how much time she thought I spent in the floor restroom. I found out beyond a shadow of a doubt that she’d been using the peephole in her dorm door, and had determined by her sense of hearing, to pinpoint my movements on the floor.
One of the worst nights on that floor with her was when, immediately after taking a step out of my dorm room, she howled my name from the middle of the floor lounge, calling out to me with a nasty laugh. When I went to the restroom, she stood outside the door with her best friend, gossiping about me avoiding them. So much for feeling secure in your living quarters. I will never forget how terrified I was, knowing that this girl was monitoring me to that degree. I felt stalked, for lack of a better term.
What triggered all of these memories for me was my roommate’s cat, who happens to have notable separation anxiety. Valentine means well, but because of his condition, he needs to know where we are at all times. As such, he’s prone to constantly staring at me when I’m nearby, and has taken to analyzing by sound where I am so he can find me. I got upset with him last night after he refused to stop yelling at me and staring at me. I regretted it, because I know that he only wants attention.
He has nothing to do with my trauma, but as it is, Valentine’s behavior triggered my memories of the ringleader doing the same thing, but for deeply malicious reasons. When I realized the connection this morning while getting ready for work, my head was alarmingly clear, an indicator that I’d hit the nail on the head. I’m sad that I’ve been projecting all of this onto him.
When I talked about this with my roommate tonight, all of the anxiety and paranoia from back then came rushing back, like it was yesterday. I nearly had a full-throttle panic attack, gasping for air and crying stressed tears as I opened up to her about how I was more-or-less stalked by that girl on our floor. Nala was very gentle and receptive, encouraging me to talk about it so that I could release those emotions. It was terrifying, reliving that for a moment, but it was necessary.
I wanted to find a good YouTube resource for triggers, and voila, I found a great one!
This video addresses how “triggers” (also known as “paired associations”) happen. After going through trauma of any kind, and experiencing all of the negative emotions that came with it, our brain can activate our “fight-or-flight” response when we’re faced with something that reminds us of that trauma. We can work to deactivate this response over time my facing things head-on, allowing ourselves to feel our emotions to work through them.
Talking with my roommate unfortunately ripped open all of the anxiety and anger that I’d dealt with from back then, but opening up about it was so cathartic. Not only that, but even after just this first day of being honest about what’s been truly bothering me, my irritability towards Valentine has disappeared. Now that I understand that my college trauma was the real thing aggravating me, I’ve stopped myself from projecting those negative memories onto him. It’s a huge breath of fresh air for me!
I still have more work to do, though. What I’ve experienced these last couple of days is an indicator that I’m not done healing, which is hard for me to accept. I’ve been going through every little thing that transpired 6 years ago, including the Office of Student Conduct’s meeting with the ringleader and her best friend. The Office mediator emailed me that the girls were apparently “unaware” that they’d “offended” me with their actions. Such a gaslighting thing to say (not his fault as the messenger, of course). Not to mention, that was a a blatant lie. The ringleader had made it clear in nasty passing comments in my presence that she knew fully what kind of effect their actions had on me.
I’ve forgiven them, and I’ll continue to forgive them as many times as it takes. That being said, I want to let myself feel that anger for just a moment, and then let it go. I’ve spent my life dismissing my anger because I hate feeling angry. It’s important for me to understand that sometimes, anger is a vital emotion. And besides, who wouldn’t be angry after going through something like this?
It’s clear to me that I still have more healing to do, but even then, I’m proud of the progress I’ve made. It hasn’t been easy, especially making myself remember and work through the trauma I experienced on that dorm floor. But this journey is worth it.
Awesome! Going through our pain is the only way to forgive and it’s very hard to 1) Know to do so, 2) Know how to do it, and 3) Actually do it because it’s painful to do it.
I learned that when I found myself acting out, unreasonably fearful, and surrendering quickly, that those were things telling me that thee were triggers from my past that needed to be looked at. So I checked for commonalities, meditated, journaled, relived, cried, got angry, and then I would not longer be triggered. I see trauma and the inability/refusal to deal with it as the bogeyman for a lot of society’s issues.
Kudos to you and I am rooting for you in your journey to health. It took me a few years because I had so much of it to get rid of. It also helped meditating and journaling which kept me focused and made me stronger. This comment will probably be the beginning of a post on my blog if you don’t mind.
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Agreed, wholeheartedly. Forgiving our perpetrators is so difficult. There are still moments for me where I slip up, and all of the anger towards them comes rushing back like a vengeful tidal wave. Knowing that they didn’t feel bad for how they treated me, and showed no indicators of remorse, made forgiving them incredibly difficult. I’m grateful for my own sake that I managed to do it nonetheless.
Thank you for your kind support, I greatly appreciate it! You have really strong advice for dealing with this stuff. It’s something I’ve been trying to accept, that the only path to healing from our trauma is forward, not around/avoiding.
Absolutely, I don’t mind at all 🙂
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I forgot to say that those people were absolutely vile to you. I had many people do the same to me. I do remember that they had their own problems. They didn’t know what they were doing. They didn’t know any better and neither did I. Because the people tormenting me were Hispanic, I became prejudiced against them in my thoughts though not in action since I was so busy slamming myself. I sought change because I was so desperate to stop doing the opposite of what I accepted as truth. The prejudice going away was a nice side effect of dealing with the trauma.
It’s true, running away from the problems don’t make it better. I would have continued doing so if God hadn’t shown me that I needed to stay put. Running away from issues is a coping strategy we use to deal with it for a time. It just hid the trauma deep within me only to come back later with a roar when I didn’t want it to. There were times when I went to a Psychologist but not all Psychologists are created with equal ability and thought. Some of them made things harder for me with their own prejudices. So it’s important to find the right ones that don’t go along with tearing down self-esteem while being willing to tell me what they see in me. I hope your single because it’s a whole lot easier to do it then when you have a family. It can be done either way though.
Coping Skills aren’t bad in themselves. Sometimes, we are not in a place to safely deal with this stuff and we need them to safely deal with the trauma. I use meditation and journaling myself. There are times I will trigger, write the trauma down real quick, and forget about it until I am ready to deal with it.
There’s a lot I know and also a lot I don’t know. I know some trauma processing techniques but I’m not a licensed counselor or anything like that. I’m 40, if only I was 20 years younger and knew I had the knack, I would go to university and get a Doctorate to start practicing.
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Apologies for my late reply!
You’re right, they were vile. It took several months after the situation ended before I was able to forgive them. These days, it’s unpleasant remembering that they didn’t feel bad in the slightest for how they treated me. I have to remember that only God can deal with them, that they aren’t for me to handle.
I do feel better, being able to tell God that no matter how poorly they treated me, I sincerely hope that they’re ok and that COVID hasn’t ravaged their lives. Them suffering wouldn’t ever take away from my own suffering.
In hindsight, I’m lucky that being single has helped me focus on my healing process. I’m still hopeful that when the pandemic ends, I’ll finally find the partner of my dreams. But for now, I’m grateful that I’ve been able to focus on myself. And writing down my thoughts in my phone’s notepad has been a huge help, too. I can always come back to my thoughts when I need to.
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Yeah, and you’ll actually choose a better partner after you go through this than before you would have. I’m happy with the partner I have, I just wish I didn’t have to allow my kids to go through what they did while we both were in the difficult process of healing. Fortunately, they were young enough to prevent damage.
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Agreed. Be fair to yourself, the trauma healing process is never easy. You’re a good parent for not dismissing how your kids might have handled it.
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Yeah, and you’ll actually choose a better partner after you go through this than before you would have. I’m happy with the partner I have, I just wish I didn’t have to allow my kids to go through what they did while we both were in the difficult process of healing. Fortunately, they were young enough to prevent damage.
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Journaling is a great way to connect with your emotions! Happy you forgave them. In actuality it’s really about you letting go and not allowing the emotions fester inside you. One day at a time. I conduct hypnosis sessions if one day you’re interested. Stay well.
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I agree wholeheartedly, letting go has been so important for my healing process. I have to remember, healing is not a “one night and done” journey. Thank you for these kind words! Hope you are doing well.
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I am. Thank you. Staying indoors today since another snowstorm came to visit us. 🙃
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Stay safe. Hoping and praying that we all get through this mess, and that spring comes quickly.
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