Before I get too into this, I want to assure you all that I’m okay. More than anything, I’m missing my family big time.
Y’know, being the introvert that I am, part of me really believed that I could cope with our state’s stay-at-home order without any problems. While I’m by no means a hermit, I do enjoy alone time more so than others, so I figured that as long as the order doesn’t drag into the summer, I’ll be okay.
No, this sucks.
I’m not immune to stress, no matter what I might believe otherwise. The first night my thrift store asked us to stay home, I let stress overwhelm me to the point that I gave myself a nasty tension headache that first week. Off and on throughout these last few weeks, I’ve gotten myself too wrapped up in the overwhelming uncertainty surrounding us. In all honesty, I haven’t done too good of a job of keeping that at a distance.
In fact, all of the stress I’ve been letting myself steep in got so bad this past weekend that my dreams took an extremely anxious turn. While my dreams usually tend to be whimsical and nonsensical, the dreams I had that night reflected how helpless, worried and angry I’ve been feeling about the situation. Anger especially pervaded those dreams.
I’ve been livid about many things in this pandemic. I care deeply about the essential workers in my life, and I don’t take what they have to do now for granted. I’m on friendly terms with employees from the grocery and convenience stores in my area, and they’ve been honest with me about their experiences. Despite the public knowing what they have to deal with, people continue to be downright nasty them for things they can’t control. I also found out from my grandma in Florida that there were, in fact, college kids down there for spring break who made it blatantly clear that they didn’t care about the pandemic. It’s been too easy for me to seethe over other people’s actions, even though I know I can’t stop them.
I think I finally hit my lowest negativity point earlier this week. My beloved little sister had her 21st birthday party at Mom and Scottish Dad’s house, and had the time of her life. I was super happy for her, but sad because this stay-at-home order meant that I couldn’t be there with her and the rest of the family to celebrate. I didn’t do a good enough job of admitting my grief to myself, and ended up crying a bit last night because I miss my family. It sucks not being able to be with them right now. It especially sucks knowing that I won’t be able to be with them when Mom’s birthday comes next week either.
I’m doing better now after praying and ensuring that I’m addressing the stress while also letting it go. I know that what I’m feeling is perfectly normal and valid, and that I’m most certainly not alone. My heart aches to be with my family right now, though I know that by complying with our state’s regulations, we’ll come out of this healthy and safe. There will be an end to this, I just wish that it was now.
Remembering this Bible verse during these times:
“Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.” (Matthew 6:34)
And cherishing the song “Ashes” by Celine Dion, so perfect for this situation.